Discovering The big fat punjabi wedding

Everything is king size from dance to liquor and god knows what. Anyways, this article has been long pending and I wrote it in the month of November, only to rewrite it and post it today. This has been a long wait, where I have not written any articles and have not been able to do anything apart from being busy contributing to softwarization, which is so boooooooooring.

Let’s start with a question ‘Why are Punjabi weddings called as big fat Punjabi weddings?’ The answer lies in these three words : ‘big’ ‘fat’ and ‘punjabi’  added with a poor cousin “weddings”.

Recently I was a part of a cousin’s wedding and this is where I unravelled the mystery behind the big fat punjabi weddings (not that I have not seen them and mine happened to be one of the fattest of the all  ) . Still, it’s good to see things from Barati’s perspective than Dulha’s view point to analyse and come out with some logic.

Here is my quick list (no offence intended ;) ):
1. The big fat waistline

Last heard, there was a famine in Africa, because lot of Punjabi population had migrated there from India (just kidding ;) ).Almost 99% of punjabis are obese and those who are not (can I please add my name to the list ;) ), actually look out-of-place and are referred to as bal pidit and what not ;). Last checked, I was on the verge of joining the big fat club. Nevertheless this Fat reason contributes highly to our list of reasons to call the wedding “Big and Fat”.
2. The big fat drunkards

Hummmm…it’s difficult to figure out a punjabi wedding without drunk, blabbermouth, boisterous punjabis. The funny part about them is the level to which they can drink the free booze and boast about their wealth, health, padosi’s biwi and properties, where obviously 50% is all made up stories and rest 50% is god knows what.

Not to forget the gangnam style dance steps and gay kisses ( I have a Family member, who for some reason loves to kiss any one to everyone but his wife, after he gets drunk) and I always thought this “anokha” person is a member of our clan, until and unless I attended more weddings and realized, every family has one J .

The irritating part about them is that they are drunk from the word go. They open the bottle in morning, before the yogis are preparing to do their surya namaskar and continue till they drop dead. They will drink the free booze, as if there is no tomorrow and end of world is approaching in next hour.

Huhhh…We definitely could not have given you guys a miss, when it comes to preparing this list.

3. The big fat hogging junta

we have an awesome menu of items served in our weddings and being the true blooded punjabis, we live to try to hog every single dish from snacks to dessert. If only the veil of decency was picked and there were no prying eyes trying to measure our intake of food, all three meals could be galloped in a single go.

Also, there is this reason for recovering the sagan, we give to bride and groom, which has to be recovered through food and liquor.

Last heard an Aunty was scolding her kid:

‘ beta we gave 5 k as Sagan..Atleast eat so much that we recover 80% of the value’.

Now did I write about Punjabis being good with Calculations? The hogging part gets so absurd and ridiculous that over-weightiest uncle and aunties, who are suffering from diabetes, high BP and god knows, which all diseases, can be seen trying to hog the last piece of jalebi, even if it means doubling up their doss of medicine….we love our food and when it is served in weddings, there is no stopping us ;)

4. The big fat show-sha

The fair sex show-sha…

Aunties would be wearing suits, whose cost is enough to fund education of an engineering student and the jewellery (women’s best companion) on their body would be enough to feed 10000 poor families in a Day and the obnoxious comparison, they do with each other….huh. Anyways, it’s a girlie thing and they being Punjabi, just aggravate the comparison factor.

The ugly sex show-sha

Cars, watches, guns, security, suits….don’t be surprised if you think it’s a Bollywood movie being played in front of us. We, the Punjabis, live to show off and since guys can’t show off jewellery (This is only reserved for our cousins down south, who actually wear more jewellery than their wives ;) ) and though the trend is catching up fast in North, I would keep it out of list, for reasons best known to all of us ;)

One funny incident which occurred in a recent weeding was when one of our relatives slyly managed to get a police security guard/officer to the wedding in police dress and where ever our relative went, he followed him like a good smart pug from a vodaphone ad. As a matter of fact, the police constable hogged all the limelight from the groom and then since he was a police-wallah, he could not keep his hands off from the free foreign liquor and got more drunk than anyone else and finally the uncle ji was there, protecting the public from guard…I am still wondering who was guarding whom.

You can see guys sitting in mandlis and discussing who owns how much property and the one grinning slyly would be the one, who has recently bought a big mansion or an industry. You don’t have to look anywhere else to see the winner look on his face.
5. The big fat loan

King size party and a waste of money is what leads to “A big fat bill” or in some cases “A big fat loans”….can you beat that. We take loans for conducting these big fat weddings and wasting money on cribbing guests like me, who in any case are going to complaint even after getting best of facilities.

I hope this article helps our bhai and bandhus, who happen to be not born as punjabis, refraining from having their weddings “The Big Fat style”.

So much for the “Big Fat Punjabi” Weddings. I hope my return to writer-hood is better and makes you go the “Ganganam Style!!!”
In between, the little one had a taste of half tea-spoon of brandy few days back and though given purely on medical grounds he could not stop smiling for the next 3 to 4 hours. Gateway to happy spirits I guess.

Hic hic hurray!!!

Author: The Mango Man

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